This particular Neptune retrograde (in my 1st house…my ascendant is Aquarius though) has pierced to the core of my ego. It has uprooted the most painful core belief I’ve found so far. This belief of ‘love isn’t real’, this betrayal, is what set it all in motion. My main coping mechanism, my avoidant/disorganised attachment style, my distrust towards humans, my heart walls, my hopelessness and despair and complete loss of faith in humans. This belief is the basis of my ‘personality’ which is mostly the adaptation of my childhood experience/trauma.

It’s unbelievable how I found this belief. No major conflict happened. I was quite composed in fact, but something died inside. Two minor triggers at different times. The process of uncovering the depth of this belief lasted for a few days. I was attempting to do parts work and CP on it when I first became aware of it, but I felt stuck and out of alignment. I felt there’s something more, and here it is, a reality collapse.

I am re-experiencing how and why I withdrew from connections in the earliest years of my life, but this time I am choosing to go through the process consciously with my free will. I am not forcing myself to create resolution immediately after a rupture happens. I am not rushing to harmony. I want to be present with my feelings unconditionally, not putting any time constraint. My grief and hopelessness deserve my unconditional presence.

The pouring rain outside is a cleansing for the city, also for my being and my heart.

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