I was exploring a minor trigger this evening and came to this realisation that blew my mind. I've been a match to rejection trauma triggers in social situations constantly throughout my life, and recently it even showed up in one of Teal’s interviews.
I finished watching this controversial interview featuring Jordan Peterson, and my reactions to this interview were interesting and surprising to me.
This Ask Teal episode stirred up something interesting... The loudest pain (a different part) other than confusion is ‘I can’t be a man’. No matter how hard I try, I will never become a man. I will always be more vulnerable. The pain of our differences/deficiencies as females being taken advantage of. The pain of being the weaker one on the physical level. The pain of always feeling unsafe and hard in public space. The part compensating for the part wanting traditional gender roles is SO relatable. It’s canvassing how every woman feels!!!
I’ve been doing shadow work and parts work about parentification trauma recently, and here’s the story. I feel very sad after writing out the story, especially about the insecurity of physical abandonment. How sad is this. No wonder I relate to orphans and adoptees... And I now understand how deeply the enmeshment trauma affected me. I fought so hard not to be enmeshed.
What I found is surprising also unsurprising to me. It’s ‘self-centredness’. There’s a giant rift within me, the self that exists and exhibits her existence and the self that wants to get rid of herself and be invisible. The rift occurred because the subconscious message my family kept giving me when I was a child is ‘I don’t want you to exist’.
This particular Neptune retrograde (in my 1st house...my ascendant is Aquarius though) has pierced to the core of my ego. It has uprooted the most painful core belief I’ve found so far. This belief of ‘love isn’t real’, this betrayal, is what set it all in motion. My main coping mechanism, my avoidant/disorganised attachment style, my distrust towards humans, my heart walls, my hopelessness and despair and complete loss of faith in humans. This belief is the basis of my ‘personality’ which is mostly the adaptation of my childhood experience/trauma.
The recent theme of my healing is value, significance/worthiness and receiving of love. Life is composed of relationships, especially relationships with other people. I went through the history of all of my relationships, with my family, my friends and my partners. I feel so much compassion for them. I relate to them, even if some of them have deeply hurt me before. And the irony in my romantic relationships is, the most wounded, disconnected and traumatised partner I’ve had, was raised by two renowned healers/spiritual teachers.
【靈魂卡週紀：2月12日－2月18日】 【Weekly Soul Cards Reading: February 12th - February 18th】 這週是迎接農曆新年的一週，在周圍環境鬧哄哄的時候，內觀回歸自己的中心特別重要，穩穩地感受自己，不慌不忙。每天好好讓自己靜下來，恢復能量與釋放壓力。享受歡樂氣氛，在這樣的感覺中去思考自己的現狀，我不想要什麼？我想要什麼呢？準備好清晰的行動藍圖，年後執行！ This week, many people are celebrating Chinese New Year. It’s especially important to connect…
【靈魂卡週紀：2月5日－2月11日】 【Weekly Soul Cards Reading: February 5th - February 11th】 接納恐懼，臣服對抗，釋放對立防衛的壓力，面對自己深沉的黑暗面，不再讓潛意識的反應主導限縮了自己。傷害人的衝動是自然的情緒反應。侵略性是生物本能，他們沒有不好，這是保護自己的本能反應。透過這些感受，找出為什麼會感覺需要防衛保護自己，是誰在過去和小時候傷害了自己？他們如何傷害了你？好好讓自己感覺生氣憤怒，為自己採取行動，掙脫被來自他人恐懼壓迫限縮的限制，重獲自由！ Embrace your fears, surrender, release the pressure of resisting and defending, face your unsavoury…