I was exploring my concept of shame—what trait I hate (the badness I want to get rid of) and as a result want to avoid the most. What I found is surprising also unsurprising to me. It’s ‘self-centredness’. There’s a giant rift within me, the self that exists and exhibits her existence and the self that wants to get rid of herself and be invisible. The rift occurred because the subconscious message my family kept giving me when I was a child is ‘I don’t want you to exist’.
很吵、很煩、很討厭。The translation in English is ‘annoying’, but I feel that it doesn’t catch the essence of their perception of me. Basically it’s a contant message of ‘I want to get rid of you’. Not just some aspects of you, your entirety. Stop existing.
This is so painful because I am not the type of person/child who can suppress myself. My nervous system is constantly overloaded. I can’t stop myself even if I want to. I want to be silent and invisible, but I can’t.
The only way I can ease the friction between these two parts is when I am at home alone because there won’t be any problem with being self-centred since I am the only one existing in that space. How sad is this. Aloneness has become my coping mechanism to avoid feeling self hate and shame. No wonder I need so much alone time.
We can see the main rift in our personalities through our astrological natal charts. Especially the relationship between your sun sign and your moon sign. My sun sign is Sagittarius, and my moon sign is Virgo. They are not in a precise square aspect, but it’s painful enough for me.
My sun, moon and Mercury (Sagittarius, and forming a square with my moon) are all mutable signs, and this means thoughts and emotions spiral fast whether it’s positive or negative. It’s a great challenge to integrate all of them and learn how to harness them.