My Concept Of Shame

I was exploring my concept of shame—what trait I hate (the badness I want to get rid of) and as a result want to avoid the most. What I found is surprising also unsurprising to me. It’s ‘self-centredness’. There’s a giant rift within me, the self that exists and exhibits her existence and the self that wants to get rid of herself and be invisible. The rift occurred because the subconscious message my family kept giving me when I was a child is ‘I don’t want you to exist’.

很吵、很煩、很討厭。The translation in English is ‘annoying’, but I feel that it doesn’t catch the essence of their perception of me. Basically it’s a contant message of ‘I want to get rid of you’. Not just some aspects of you, your entirety. Stop existing.

This is so painful because I am not the type of person/child who can suppress myself. My nervous system is constantly overloaded. I can’t stop myself even if I want to. I want to be silent and invisible, but I can’t.

The only way I can ease the friction between these two parts is when I am at home alone because there won’t be any problem with being self-centred since I am the only one existing in that space. How sad is this. Aloneness has become my coping mechanism to avoid feeling self hate and shame. No wonder I need so much alone time.

We can see the main rift in our personalities through our astrological natal charts. Especially the relationship between your sun sign and your moon sign. My sun sign is Sagittarius, and my moon sign is Virgo. They are not in a precise square aspect, but it’s painful enough for me.

My sun, moon and Mercury (Sagittarius, and forming a square with my moon) are all mutable signs, and this means thoughts and emotions spiral fast whether it’s positive or negative. It’s a great challenge to integrate all of them and learn how to harness them.

Neptune Retrograde, Seeing The Reality

This particular Neptune retrograde (in my 1st house…my ascendant is Aquarius though) has pierced to the core of my ego. It has uprooted the most painful core belief I’ve found so far. This belief of ‘love isn’t real’, this betrayal, is what set it all in motion. My main coping mechanism, my avoidant/disorganised attachment style, my distrust towards humans, my heart walls, my hopelessness and despair and complete loss of faith in humans. This belief is the basis of my ‘personality’ which is mostly the adaptation of my childhood experience/trauma.

It’s unbelievable how I found this belief. No major conflict happened. I was quite composed in fact, but something died inside. Two minor triggers at different times. The process of uncovering the depth of this belief lasted for a few days. I was attempting to do parts work and CP on it when I first became aware of it, but I felt stuck and out of alignment. I felt there’s something more, and here it is, a reality collapse.

I am re-experiencing how and why I withdrew from connections in the earliest years of my life, but this time I am choosing to go through the process consciously with my free will. I am not forcing myself to create resolution immediately after a rupture happens. I am not rushing to harmony. I want to be present with my feelings unconditionally, not putting any time constraint. My grief and hopelessness deserve my unconditional presence.

The pouring rain outside is a cleansing for the city, also for my being and my heart.

We Are All Survivors Of Childhood Trauma

The recent theme of my healing is value, significance/worthiness and receiving of love. Life is composed of relationships, especially relationships with other people. I went through the history of all of my relationships, with my family, my friends and my partners. I feel so much compassion for them. I relate to them, even if some of them have deeply hurt me before. And the irony in my romantic relationships is, the most wounded, disconnected and traumatised partner I’ve had, was raised by two renowned healers/spiritual teachers.

Most of us think we grew up in a ‘normal’ family. We think dysfunctional home is the rarity. Most of us think we don’t suffer from childhood ‘trauma’. But it’s not the rarity, and ALL of us suffer from childhood trauma, even if we have the most loving parents possible.

Dysfunctional home is currently the norm in human society. Childhood trauma is a fact of life right now. Most parents nowadays don’t know how to parent healthily, especially on the emotional level. Why? Because parents weren’t raised healthily with secure attachment figures and unconditional presence themselves, and we have created a society where parents don’t have the necessary support network for the task of parenthood.

This is heartbreaking, but there’s hope. More and more of us are realising the problem and starting to create change. Children born today are different. They are born with more clarity, wisdom and awareness. And it is through the collaboration of parents, children, teachers and the rest of us in society that the world we live in will fundamentally change.

Weekly Soul Cards Reading: February 12th – February 18th

【靈魂卡週紀:2月12日-2月18日】

【Weekly Soul Cards Reading: February 12th – February 18th】

這週是迎接農曆新年的一週,在周圍環境鬧哄哄的時候,內觀回歸自己的中心特別重要,穩穩地感受自己,不慌不忙。每天好好讓自己靜下來,恢復能量與釋放壓力。享受歡樂氣氛,在這樣的感覺中去思考自己的現狀,我不想要什麼?我想要什麼呢?準備好清晰的行動藍圖,年後執行!

This week, many people are celebrating Chinese New Year. It’s especially important to connect to your core when the environment around you is chaotic. It’s a good time to practise mindfulness meditation. Feel your body, observe your thoughts and emotions. Let yourself feel calm. Rejuvenate and release resistance. In the mood of festivity, start thinking about your current state of being. From this vibrational place, to know what you don’t want and what you do want. Have a clear action plan and execute!

#lunaalchemistoflife #7 #weeklyreading #tarot #soulcards #2018 #february #celebration #chinesenewyear #connection #core #chaos #mindfulness #meditation #centeryourself #calm #relax #rejuvenate #selfreflection #selfawareness #reflection #action #execute

Weekly Soul Cards Reading: February 5th – February 11th

【靈魂卡週紀:2月5日-2月11日】

【Weekly Soul Cards Reading: February 5th – February 11th】

接納恐懼,臣服對抗,釋放對立防衛的壓力,面對自己深沉的黑暗面,不再讓潛意識的反應主導限縮了自己。傷害人的衝動是自然的情緒反應。侵略性是生物本能,他們沒有不好,這是保護自己的本能反應。透過這些感受,找出為什麼會感覺需要防衛保護自己,是誰在過去和小時候傷害了自己?他們如何傷害了你?好好讓自己感覺生氣憤怒,為自己採取行動,掙脫被來自他人恐懼壓迫限縮的限制,重獲自由!

Embrace your fears, surrender, release the pressure of resisting and defending, face your unsavoury shadows. Stop letting unconscious impulses dominate and limit yourself. The impulse to hurting others is natural. Aggression is our instinct, and it’s not negative or bad; they exist because of self preservation and protection. Through feeling these feelings, find out why you feel the urge to defend yourself. Who has harmed you in the past, especially in your childhood? How did they hurt you? Give yourself the permission to feel angry and make proactive changes for yourself. Break free from other people’s fearful control. Reclaim your freedom and autonomy!

#lunaalchemistoflife #6 #weeklyreading #tarot #soulcards #2018 #february #partswork #shadowwork #selfawareness #consciousness #awareness #fear #selfacceptance #surrender #resistance #selfdefense #unconscious #impulse #aggressive #hurting #instinct #natural #selfpreservation #childhood #trauma #angry #empowerment #free

Weekly Soul Cards Reading: January 29th – February 4th

【靈魂卡週紀:1月29日-2月4日】

【Weekly Soul Cards Reading: January 29th – February 4th】

自我表達不一定是口語的,或抽象或具體,創作有各種形式、媒材與媒介。從發想到完成的醞釀過程,沉浸在自己的世界,專注到忘記時間,這樣的注意力品質帶來效率與生產力,但這些都不是刻意追求的成果。真正的效率與生產力來自靈感啟發與內在不同自我的和諧一致。

Self expression comes in many forms; it isn’t always verbal. Sometimes it’s abstract, sometimes it’s concrete. There are countless ways and media we can use to tell the world who we are, how we think and how we feel. From the conception of an idea to the completion of a project, we immerse in the creative process, so intensely focused we lose track of time. We’re completely in the flow. This kind of quality of attention brings efficiency and productivity, but neither is the result of effort. Real and consistent efficiency and productivity come from inspiration and the internal alignment of aspects of self.

#lunaalchemistoflife #5 #weeklyreading #tarot #soulcards #2018 #january #february #selfexpression #expression #creation #creative #intheflow #focus #efficiency #productivity #inspiration #alignment #partswork #shadowwork #selfawareness #consciousness #awareness #aspectsofself #self

Weekly Soul Cards Reading: January 22nd – January 28th

【靈魂卡週紀:1月22日-1月28日】

【Weekly Soul Cards Reading: January 22nd – January 28th】

你說出了你內在真實的情緒與想法感受了嗎?你知道自己內在真實的情緒與想法感受是什麼嗎?勇敢地承認與探索真實的自己,這些多元的樣貌每一個都同樣重要、同樣有意義與價值!你很重要!

Have you spoken your internal truths, your true feelings, true thoughts and true perceptions? Do you consciously know your internal truths, your true feelings, true thoughts and true perceptions? Bravely admit to them and explore them! Your authenticity, your various aspects of self, every one of them is equally important, equally meaningful and valuable, and equally valid! You are important!

#lunaalchemistoflife #4 #weeklyreading #tarot #soulcards #2018 #january #truth #authenticity #real #thoughts #feelings #perspectives #expression #known #valued #valid #important #heard #vulnerability #bravery #heart #consciousness #awareness

Weekly Soul Cards Reading: January 15th – January 21st

【靈魂卡週紀:1月15日-1月21日】

【Weekly Soul Cards Reading: January 15th – January 21st】

愛需要表達,讓人知道與感覺到。關心家人朋友,讓人感覺到你的愛,或許你們同時都在想著彼此呢!人在更深的層次是心意相通與能量相連的,讓這份連結變得明顯有感與覺知吧!

Love needs to be expressed, known and felt. Express your love to your friends and family. Let them feel how much you love and care about them. Maybe you are thinking about each other simultaneously! People are interconnected on the deeper emotional and energetic level. Let’s make this interconnection obvious and consciously known!

#lunaalchemistoflife #3 #weeklyreading #tarot #soulcards #2018 #january #love #expression #known #felt #loved #friends #family #care #connection #interconnected #emotional #heart #energetic #consciousness #awareness

Weekly Soul Cards Reading: January 8th – January 14th

【靈魂卡週紀:1月8日-1月14日】

【Weekly Soul Cards Reading: January 8th – January 14th】

面對長年積壓在心中的痛苦,才能編織不受陰影纏繞的未來。花些時間好好一個人內觀自己的心、自己的內在世界。問自己真正的想法是什麼?真正的感受是什麼?為什麼自己有這些想法與感覺?穿越痛苦與煩惱,希望就在面對真實裡。

Face the pain we’ve suppressed and buried deep in the subconscious mind for so long, so we can weave the future free from the shadow of the past. Spend some time in solitude to observe the heart and the internal world. Ask ourselves: what are my true thoughts? What are my true feelings? Why do I have these thoughts and feelings? Going through the fog of pain, the hope lies in our authenticity.

#lunaalchemistoflife #2 #weeklyreading #tarot #soulcards #2018 #january #clarity #hope #authenticity #real #thoughts #feelings #shadowwork #subconscious #pain #suffering #innerjourney

Weekly Soul Cards Reading: January 1st – January 7th

【靈魂卡週紀:1月1日-1月7日】

【Weekly Soul Cards Reading: January 1st – January 7th】

大家新年快樂!2018年的第一週充滿生氣活力,甚至有點手忙腳亂,理清自己的優先順序,專注於自己的創造,在健康的個人界線確立後,孵育長大自己的夢想!找到自己真正想要的,並直直向其邁進!

2018年充滿了落實的創造力,嶄新的進化階段!

Happy New Year, everybody! The first week of 2018 is full of vitality, even hectic sometimes. Get clear on your priorities. Focus on your creation. With healthy personal boundaries, bring your dreams into realities! Find out what you really want and move forward to it!

2018 is imbued with grounding creative energy, a brand new phase in life!

#lunaalchemistoflife #1 #weeklyreading #tarot #soulcards #2018 #january #newyear #newyearsday #vitality #busy #clarity #priorities #focus #creation #boundaries #dreams #reality #desire #movingforward #grounding #energy #new #newphase