Saturn influences in the natal chart can make it difficult for the person to perceive value in themselves and what they create and offer to the world. This manifests relationship problems like abandonment trauma and being a match to emotionally and/or physically unavailable partner. This also manifests money issues because money is a symbol for value, and if we don't perceive ourselves and our offerings to be valuable, we won't put ourselves out there at all (not going after our dreams staying stuck in the job we hate, not marketing ourselves/our businesses etc.) or we offer too many discounts that make us feel self-sacrificed and undervalued.
Our dream careers trigger this entire conditioning the most. If we look at what our goals and commitments actually require us, we usually find that they are not as difficult/impossible as we previously think. What makes us think that way, is trauma. We can always break huge projects into tiny, little, easy-to-achieve steps. We can make following through a relaxing and allowing practice. Creating the healing opposite experience of ease relative to our work or any commitment we aspire to achieve.
It is my promise to myself and the people in my life that I strive to love unconditionally and am always in the practice of unconditional love… I’m always in the practice of getting closer to full integration which is unconditional love. Even with my enemies, with my resistance and hatred, I face all of them and get closer to all of them… I am also in the process of loving them. Loving them and loving myself are identical...
I was exploring a minor trigger this evening and came to this realisation that blew my mind. I've been a match to rejection trauma triggers in social situations constantly throughout my life, and recently it even showed up in one of Teal’s interviews.
I finished watching this controversial interview featuring Jordan Peterson, and my reactions to this interview were interesting and surprising to me.
This Ask Teal episode stirred up something interesting... The loudest pain (a different part) other than confusion is ‘I can’t be a man’. No matter how hard I try, I will never become a man. I will always be more vulnerable. The pain of our differences/deficiencies as females being taken advantage of. The pain of being the weaker one on the physical level. The pain of always feeling unsafe and hard in public space. The part compensating for the part wanting traditional gender roles is SO relatable. It’s canvassing how every woman feels!!!
I’ve been doing shadow work and parts work about parentification trauma recently, and here’s the story. I feel very sad after writing out the story, especially about the insecurity of physical abandonment. How sad is this. No wonder I relate to orphans and adoptees... And I now understand how deeply the enmeshment trauma affected me. I fought so hard not to be enmeshed.
What I found is surprising also unsurprising to me. It’s ‘self-centredness’. There’s a giant rift within me, the self that exists and exhibits her existence and the self that wants to get rid of herself and be invisible. The rift occurred because the subconscious message my family kept giving me when I was a child is ‘I don’t want you to exist’.
This particular Neptune retrograde (in my 1st house...my ascendant is Aquarius though) has pierced to the core of my ego. It has uprooted the most painful core belief I’ve found so far. This belief of ‘love isn’t real’, this betrayal, is what set it all in motion. My main coping mechanism, my avoidant/disorganised attachment style, my distrust towards humans, my heart walls, my hopelessness and despair and complete loss of faith in humans. This belief is the basis of my ‘personality’ which is mostly the adaptation of my childhood experience/trauma.
The recent theme of my healing is value, significance/worthiness and receiving of love. Life is composed of relationships, especially relationships with other people. I went through the history of all of my relationships, with my family, my friends and my partners. I feel so much compassion for them. I relate to them, even if some of them have deeply hurt me before. And the irony in my romantic relationships is, the most wounded, disconnected and traumatised partner I’ve had, was raised by two renowned healers/spiritual teachers.