隨筆:二元性、獨立思考、自由思考

二元性本身不是製造痛苦的來源,痛苦的來源是不同極端(元)互斥而不能整合合作,譬如合一與分離的分裂;兩者皆為真,但目前多數人尚未能順利整合兩者。二元性是一種工具,在各類時空架構中創造多元體驗的工具,集體意識自我覺察了解的工具。帶有排斥攻擊性的「獨立」思考本身其實就不獨立了,懷疑不是中立的,但好奇是。

The Valuable Saturn

Saturn influences in the natal chart can make it difficult for the person to perceive value in themselves and what they create and offer to the world. This manifests relationship problems like abandonment trauma and being a match to emotionally and/or physically unavailable partner. This also manifests money issues because money is a symbol for value, and if we don't perceive ourselves and our offerings to be valuable, we won't put ourselves out there at all (not going after our dreams staying stuck in the job we hate, not marketing ourselves/our businesses etc.) or we offer too many discounts that make us feel self-sacrificed and undervalued.

My Concept Of Shame

What I found is surprising also unsurprising to me. It’s ‘self-centredness’. There’s a giant rift within me, the self that exists and exhibits her existence and the self that wants to get rid of herself and be invisible. The rift occurred because the subconscious message my family kept giving me when I was a child is ‘I don’t want you to exist’.

Neptune Retrograde, Seeing The Reality

This particular Neptune retrograde (in my 1st house...my ascendant is Aquarius though) has pierced to the core of my ego. It has uprooted the most painful core belief I’ve found so far. This belief of ‘love isn’t real’, this betrayal, is what set it all in motion. My main coping mechanism, my avoidant/disorganised attachment style, my distrust towards humans, my heart walls, my hopelessness and despair and complete loss of faith in humans. This belief is the basis of my ‘personality’ which is mostly the adaptation of my childhood experience/trauma.