Saturn influences in the natal chart can make it difficult for the person to perceive value in themselves and what they create and offer to the world. This manifests relationship problems like abandonment trauma and being a match to emotionally and/or physically unavailable partner. This also manifests money issues because money is a symbol for value, and if we don't perceive ourselves and our offerings to be valuable, we won't put ourselves out there at all (not going after our dreams staying stuck in the job we hate, not marketing ourselves/our businesses etc.) or we offer too many discounts that make us feel self-sacrificed and undervalued.
What I found is surprising also unsurprising to me. It’s ‘self-centredness’. There’s a giant rift within me, the self that exists and exhibits her existence and the self that wants to get rid of herself and be invisible. The rift occurred because the subconscious message my family kept giving me when I was a child is ‘I don’t want you to exist’.
This particular Neptune retrograde (in my 1st house...my ascendant is Aquarius though) has pierced to the core of my ego. It has uprooted the most painful core belief I’ve found so far. This belief of ‘love isn’t real’, this betrayal, is what set it all in motion. My main coping mechanism, my avoidant/disorganised attachment style, my distrust towards humans, my heart walls, my hopelessness and despair and complete loss of faith in humans. This belief is the basis of my ‘personality’ which is mostly the adaptation of my childhood experience/trauma.